It will be a year ago in October since Parker left his body. I remember receiving the call that he had been in an accident like it was yesterday. Initially I thought he had probably suffered minor injuries and would quickly recover. An inconvenience perhaps, but nothing more.
The reality and gravity of the situation was slow to sink in. I didn’t grasp how bad things were until I walked into his hospital room and saw him laying there. Even then, I held out hope for a miraculous recovery. But recovery wasn’t in the cards, at least not in this timeline.
A lot has happened in the past year. I miss him. I miss his integrity, enthusiasm, and dedication to serving the good of all. I miss his humble mastery, and how he formed community wherever he went.
Next month I will be flying down to Austin to attend a ceremony honoring and celebrating his life and legacy. But as a holder of that legacy I’ve often felt like I’m falling short.
I’m not the community builder Parker was. I don’t love people the way he did. I’m not good at staying in touch or reaching out. Parts of me want to be in community and serve, others simply want to be left alone.
I’m working on some profoundly simple lessons about what it means to be human. I’m still learning to be interested in life. I’m still learning how to be useful to god.
I don’t know if I’m an old soul or an infant. The medicine has shown me that there isn’t much difference between the two. The very young and very old are adjacent on the wheel of life, and meet at the intersection of endings and beginnings.
I’m still finding my voice. Or maybe I just don’t have much left to say. Maybe both are true. I don’t really know anymore.
Fortunately Parker’s legacy has many heirs. Many of whom are doing a much better job than I of carrying on. I take comfort in the idea that while I am responsible for doing my part, I don’t have to do it all alone.
A few people have asked if we will continue doing the Peru pilgrimages. The short answer is yes. That work will go on. The same goes for The Infinite Way and the vision for Ramaka healing sanctuary. These are the peaks of the mountain I am being invited to climb. But the mountain has just come into view, and I have a long way to go to get to the top.
I don’t know how long it will take to shepherd these visions into maturity. It may take a decade or a lifetime. All I know is that the path is infinite, and the journey is the destination.
In the meantime I’m trying to figure out what comes next. I’m doing that by trying to pay attention to what is directly in front of me.
For the past month that has meant moving from Kentucky to Asheville, North Carolina. It has meant purging, packing, unpacking, and getting my house in Kentucky ready to be put on the market. Which has forced me to confront all the ways in which I’ve been neglecting my home and family.
I got busy trying to save the world, and overlooked the suffering right in front of me. While I was trying to build a new Earth, I let my own home fall into disrepair. Serving the abstract other, an idea, or cause is easier than owning the part we’ve played in creating dysfunction in our own lives. That is the “homework,” and it is the hardest most painful thing I’ve ever done.
My prayer during the last pilgrimage was for the home that was coming apart, and the new one that was yet to be born. My place in Kentucky hasn’t felt like home in a long time. It’s been sick, and I’ve often felt powerless to change it.
There are a lot of reasons for that. I’ve been living with my former partner for nearly ten years. We broke up in 2019, but continued living together as friends and family. I still don’t know whether that was wise or foolish, or whether it did more harm than good. But we chose it, because we weren’t quite ready to let one another go. So I guess it was simply what was needed.
The past few years have been particularly hard on her. My traveling and the difficult uncertain path I’ve been on have taken their toll. She has been suffering, and back in January I was shown the part I’ve played in causing it.
When we decided to sell the house in April I didn’t know what my next home might look like. I thought maybe I would buy an RV or Travel Trailer and become a nomad, or go live alone in the Rocky Mountains and eat beans out of a can.
But life and the medicine had other plans.
Instead I’m moving into a home in Asheville, North Carolina with my new partner and her son. Diana and I have known one another since 2018, and in recent years have become best friends. At the end of June she decided to join us on the pilgrimage 24 hours before my flight left for Lima, and by some miracle we made it happen.
In a word Huachuma is about clarity. Sometimes that clarity is painful. Other times it is breathtakingly beautiful.
The medicine showed us how much we mean to one another. So we are making a new home together, and in the painful process of letting the old ones go. I’m learning that sometimes you have to burn the old life to the ground to make room for something new. I am in the liminal space between creation and destruction, where grief and hope coexist, and faith endures.
There is a lot to be grateful for - a new home, a new partner, a new family. But I also sense the work has just begun.
Upcoming Offerings:
Peru Huachuma Pilgrimage, January 17 - February 1, 2024: In January we will once again undertake a sacred Huachuma pilgrimage under the benevolent guidance of supremely skilled Huachumero and Maestro Don Martin. We will visit 7 of the most sacred ceremonial sites on the planet, including the pyramids and Jurassic Park-like environs by the coast, and a 500+ year old tree. We then will experience the magnificent upper world energy of the Peruvian highlands, including the Chavín Temple, and close out the pilgrimage at Heaven's Gate. This pilgrimage is truly a journey through time and the most potent spiritual practice any student of Huachuma can engage in. Each ceremony introduces you to a multidimensional portal filled with the secrets of the universe. Everyone I know who has completed the pilgrimage has said that it is by far one of the most profound experience of their lives. As long as there is interest we will make these pilgrimages twice a year in January and July.
Brad Samuels who joined the pilgrimage in January has made some incredible videos documenting our journey.
What People Are Saying
"...Our Huachumero, don Martín, serves unrelenting strong medicine. Psyche splintering medicine which allows you to see who you are in this dimension and in the planes of consciousness normally off-limits. The continual strength of Huachuma takes you to another level of perception. I see the magic at my fingertips and can peer into a future not bound by time..." ~Paul
"...Joining the Smiling Jaguar Pilgrimage across Peru was hands down one of the best decisions of my life… Working with ancient plant medicine on sacred land brought blessings, healing, communion, irreplaceable memories, and development that will continue and continue to blossom..." ~Zerin
"The magic of Smiling Jaguar Retreats is still present even after our incredible 2 week pilgrimage together in Northern Peru. My life will forever be changed for the better. I've become more clear on my truth and the impact I'm here to create in the World. Zach did an impeccable job at holding space during our time together. It was a deep privilege to be a part of this journey and to explore these sacred sights that hold so much wisdom and beauty. Thanks to Don Martin and all the precious humans that made this trip an experience I'll never forget. I bow to each and every one of you, as well as the teachings from the medicine that touched our hearts. Para El Bien De Todos, warriors hearts beat as one ” ~Alysha
Read more testimonials here!