Destruction As Grace

My dance with Kali, and learning to see destruction as grace.

When things become hopelessly stuck and unable to transform the most compassionate thing we can do is liberate them from their current form. At these times destruction is grace, and swinging the executioner’s blade an act of mercy.

When I embarked on a month of medicine work in January I prayed for the fierce compassion, strength, courage, and wisdom needed to continue this work in service to the good of all. I’m still integrating those lessons, and figuring out how to get from where I am to where I’m going. I’ve been shown the direction, but not how to get there. I guess if I knew that part there wouldn’t be any opportunities for growth.

It became clear in January that the time had come to sell my Kentucky house and close this chapter of my life. Then in March the vision for the Ramaka healing sanctuary came in, which provided a direction for the future.

That future seems to already exist, and I am merely in a process of aligning with it. When I’m aligned I feel its limitless energy, beauty, and power. When I get distracted, hesitate, or falter I get confused, unmotivated, and lose my way.

I can see all the pieces of the puzzle falling into place around me, waiting for me to do my part. I just have to make space for the new vision to take form, and choose it. Which means first surrendering to the executioner’s blade everything that is no longer true.

As a healer I try to do no harm, and often work toward healing and reconciliation long past hopelessness. If a thing must die I’d rather it die of its own accord, or by another’s hand. But I’m starting to realize how this can be an abdication of responsibility, and in many cases merely prolongs suffering.

I’ve been clear on a lot of things for a long time. I’ve had a lot of awareness around certain things in my life that need to change. But bringing that awareness into physical reality through concrete action has been difficult.

There are a lot of reasons for that. Part of it has been my aversion to hurting people who don’t share my perception of truth. I prefer healing and reconciliation. I’d rather transformation happen through the mutual agreement of everyone concerned. I would prefer it arise as a byproduct of our shared clarity.

But that rarely seems to be the way it works. Things usually stop working because there is an inability to achieve mutual understanding and consensus among those involved. If we were able to achieve healing and reconciliation we wouldn’t have reached an impasse in the first place.

When the executioner’s blade fell at Bridge to One and Parker and I took our leave we were able to see it as grace, even though we didn’t know what might come next. Different visions of truth arose, and healing and reconciliation seemed impossible. So the executioner’s blade was an act of mercy and compassion, that provided an opportunity for something more true to be born.

I’ve had a harder time seeing how his passing was grace. It just felt hard and senseless. But I trust there is a higher perspective that I may someday access. Maybe he learned everything that body of form had to teach him, and at the soul level decided he could serve more powerfully from the other side. Whatever the reason, I trust that even this most difficult of things is serving the highest good.

I met Parker down at Spirit Quest during my first four Ayahuasca ceremonies, where the medicine appeared to me as the Hindu goddess Kali. The fiercest manifestation of the divine feminine, Kali restores dharma by liberating us from our delusions.

Since the medicine first touched my lips I’ve been dancing with Kali. She continues to destroy my illusions and invite me into ever greater liberation and self realization. By drinking the medicine I accepted her as my teacher, and entered into a portal/corridor that seems to be leading me toward an ever greater embodiment of truth.

Even as free will seems more illusory, it has become more necessary than ever to make choices. On one hand the truth is blindingly clear, and the only thing to do is surrender to it. On the other, surrendering to truth means actively choosing to be in integrity with it and embody it in every facet of my life.

Earlier this month I came out of ceremony to learn that my mother had a stroke and was in acute heart failure. So I went from one ceremony to the next, and ended up spending the next two weeks in the ICU at her bedside.

The last time I was at a hospital was with Parker. I remember the moment he decided to leave his body, and his joy at being reunited with his beloved Maestro don Howard. It seemed like a conscious decision informed by the knowledge that his work in that body was done, and that his service would continue on the other side.

As my Mother hovered between life and death I felt her making her own choices. I noticed when she decided to stay, and saw how soon after making that decision she began to stabilize and improve. She has a long road to recovery ahead of her, but for now she has decided to stay.

I had planned on attending Parker’s Birthday Tribute today at the ranch in Lockhart, where we started Bridge to One. Today is his birthday, and I can’t think of a more beautiful way to celebrate him than gathering together in community.

But the ceremony of life had other plans. Since I am about to leave for Peru for two weeks I decided to stay in Kentucky to support my Mother’s transition to rehab. This morning the hospital let me know insurance had approved her rehab facility. So this afternoon I will be driving her to a facility in our hometown in east Kentucky to help her get settled in, and visit with my Grandmother. Deciding to stay was hard, but I know its where I need to be, and I know Parker would understand.

It’s hard to believe I’ll be returning to Peru for another Huachuma Pilgrimage with don Martin in a few days. There always seems to be a point leading up to the pilgrimage when it seems like it might not happen. The first pilgrimage Parker and I made a year ago didn’t seem to have enough people signed up to make the trip viable. Then we committed to going regardless, and a few of our pilgrims decided to pay at the abundance amount, which took care of our concerns about money. The second pilgrimage in January came on the heels of Parker’s passing and amidst historic civil unrest in Peru. Again I committed to going regardless, and when I made that commitment everything else fell into place.

This time around I got a visit from the feds in April, a shortage of pilgrims committed to walking the path, then my Mother’s stroke. I reached out to don Martin to express my concern that we might not have enough pilgrims to make it worth his time. He responded in his humble unassuming way that he was making the pilgrimage in June with only one other person, and that numbers weren’t an issue. At that moment I committed to walking the path, even if don Martin and I were the only ones walking it. Soon after making that committed things started to stabilize, more pilgrims signed up, and the path became clear.

As I’ve said before, the pilgrimage has become my greatest teacher and most potent practice. It’s teaching me what it means to be a leader and remain committed to a vision of truth, even when you are the only one who can see it. When you remain committed to the path those meant to will join you, and the way will become clear.

January’s pilgrimage and prayers brought in the vision for Ramaka. My prayer and intention this time around is for the clarity and resources needed to shepherd that vision into reality.

In January I will be returning to Peru for another month of medicine work, starting with a two week Ayahuasca retreat with my teacher Cristina Mendoza followed by the Huachuma Pilgrimage with don Martin. Many people have already expressed interest in joining the pilgrimage in January, so it looks like numbers won’t be an issue this time around. More curve balls may come my way between now and then; but I trust that as long as I remain committed to walking the path, the way will become clear.

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Ways to Connect:

One of my favorite things to do between ceremonies is to connect with people one on one. If you are interested in Smiling Jaguar offerings, 1:1 healing/counseling, or just want to chat you can schedule an exploratory call by clicking here.

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Upcoming Offerings:

Peru Huachuma Pilgrimage, January 17 - February 1, 2024:  In January we will once again undertake a sacred Huachuma pilgrimage under the benevolent guidance of supremely skilled Huachumero and Maestro Don Martin. We will visit 7 of the most sacred ceremonial sites on the planet, including the pyramids and Jurassic Park-like environs by the coast, and a 500+ year old tree. We then will experience the magnificent upper world energy of the Peruvian highlands, including the Chavín Temple, and close out the pilgrimage at Heaven's Gate. This pilgrimage is truly a journey through time and the most potent spiritual practice any student of Huachuma can engage in. Each ceremony introduces you to a multidimensional portal filled with the secrets of the universe. Everyone I know who has completed the pilgrimage has said that it is by far one of the most profound experience of their lives. As long as there is interest we will make these pilgrimages twice a year in January and July.

What People Are Saying

"...Our Huachumero, don Martín, serves unrelenting strong medicine. Psyche splintering medicine which allows you to see who you are in this dimension and in the planes of consciousness normally off-limits. The continual strength of Huachuma takes you to another level of perception. I see the magic at my fingertips and can peer into a future not bound by time..." ~Paul

"...Joining the Smiling Jaguar Pilgrimage across Peru was hands down one of the best decisions of my life… Working with ancient plant medicine on sacred land brought blessings, healing, communion, irreplaceable memories, and development that will continue and continue to blossom..." ~Zerin

"The magic of Smiling Jaguar Retreats is still present even after our incredible 2 week pilgrimage together in Northern Peru. My life will forever be changed for the better. I've become more clear on my truth and the impact I'm here to create in the World. Zach did an impeccable job at holding space during our time together. It was a deep privilege to be a part of this journey and to explore these sacred sights that hold so much wisdom and beauty. Thanks to Don Martin and all the precious humans that made this trip an experience I'll never forget. I bow to each and every one of you, as well as the teachings from the medicine that touched our hearts. Para El Bien De Todos, warriors hearts beat as one ” ~Alysha

~Cain’s Video Testimonial

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