I try to write from a place of truth, and the truth is that over the past few weeks I’ve been oscillating between determination and the desire to quit. Both live inside of me, both are part of me, and both are true.
Most of the time I’m determined and committed to my purpose and mission. But the desire to quit still shows up from time to time in subtle and not so subtle ways. There have been days in recent weeks when I’ve felt unmotivated and frankly haven’t wanted to be here. Like a horse balking at being hitched to a heavy load, I’ve been asking myself, “Is this really my burden to bear?”
Sometimes we just have to sit with those parts of ourselves that want to quit and numb out. But sooner or later we realize we simply must confront those things we want to escape, and take constructive action towards working through them. Like the horse hitched to a wagon, we must eventually accept our burdens and simply find a way to move forward.
In Hindu philosophy all material objects are said to be made up of varying combinations of three fundamental energies, called gunas. What I sometimes call “quit energy” is tamas, the quality of darkness, inertia, and ignorance. Tamas is transformed through rajas, the quality of activity and passion, associated with ambition, desire, and willpower. This is literally the fire of transformation that leads to sattva, the quality of purity, clarity, and harmony, which is associated with the virtues of love, kindness, compassion, and wisdom.
The spiritual path is said to be the alchemical process of transmuting tamas with rajas, and cultivating more virtue, or sattva. But you can’t go straight from tamas to sattva. You can’t go straight from wanting to quit and numb out to steadfast commitment to serving the good of all. The intermediate step is cultivating your inner fire by finding your passion and purpose, and discipling yourself through effective practices towards that end.
I’m nowhere near perfect, but I can appreciate how far I’ve come.
I grew up poor in the Appalachian Mountains, in one of the poorest, most economically depressed and ecologically devastated parts of the country - and for the first 20 plus years of my life I really didn’t want to be here.
I started out in a pit of depression, anxiety, and alienation that I’ve been crawling out most of my life. Some of my earliest memories are of simply not wanting to be here. Of not wanting to be in this body, on this planet, or even conscious.
For many years I didn’t want to be alive. Suicidal ideation wasn’t just an occasional thought, it was a constant companion - a deep yearning for escape.
Then around 13 years old something woke up inside of me - some inner fire or ambition I can’t quite explain. At the time I was overweight, depressed, and anxious, but I wanted to be different. The first thing I did was start getting my weight under control. I didn’t know anything about intermittent fasting or nutrition at the time, but I knew if I ate less I’d lose weight. So I cut back to one meal a day and eliminated pork, red meat, and sweets - which caused me to lose about 100 pounds over the course of a year.
Around that time I also started getting serious about school, and by the end of middle school I went from being an average to good student, and ultimately graduated salutatorian of my high school. I’m not a genius, I have little more than an average IQ. There have been many people in my classes over the years who have been smarter than me. But I was more consistent and committed. I was better at setting goals and working hard to achieve them over a long period of time. What I lacked in intelligence I made up for with discipline and persistence.
I wish I could say this was the end of the depression and anxiety, but it wasn’t. Both dogged me relentlessly throughout college and law school, but for a long time ambition kept me alive. It gave me the will to live.
I also wish I could say I was motivated purely by a desire for self improvement. But I wasn’t. For the most part I just wanted to be better than other people. I wanted external validation that I was better than the poor, ugly, and ignorant circumstances I found myself in.
That early ambition may have been fueled by judgment and ego. But it got me to college, drove me to do well, and caused me to go to law school and become a lawyer. With each little success that flame of ambition that ignited when I was 13 got a little brighter. By the time I began my first job as a lawyer that ambition burned like an inferno in my belly. At 25 years old I had every intention of becoming king of the world through a career in politics.
Then at 26, about six months after passing the bar, another part of me woke up - my heart. That inferno in my belly moved to my chest, and in a moment who I was died and something new was born. I’ve been living into that new awareness ever since.
That was the beginning of my spiritual journey. That is when rajas began its alchemical transformation into sattva.
I’m still all the things. I still have some quit in me, that the trials of the past few years are helping me work through. I also have plenty of ambition left, but now I’m yoking it to a mission and purpose in service to the good of all. The pursuit of which is helping me work through those remaining parts that are still driven by ego and judgment.
The way knows the way, as a young woman sang recently in ceremony, and thank god it does. Because our minds aren’t able to fathom how to get from where we’ve been to where we are going. Fortunately, we simply have to find the will to keep walking the path, and let it shape us.
Ways to Connect:
One of my favorite things to do between ceremonies is to connect with people one on one. If you are interested in Smiling Jaguar offerings, 1:1 healing/counseling, or just want to chat you can schedule an exploratory call by clicking here.
Upcoming Offerings:
Peru Huachuma Pilgrimage, July 1 - July 15, 2023: In July we will once again undertake a sacred Huachuma pilgrimage under the benevolent guidance of supremely skilled Huachumero and Maestro Don Martin. We will visit 7 of the most sacred ceremonial sites on the planet, including the pyramids and Jurassic Park-like environs by the coast, and a 500+ year old tree. We then will experience the magnificent upper world energy of the Peruvian highlands, including the Chavín Temple, and close out the pilgrimage at Heaven's Gate. This pilgrimage is truly a journey through time and the most potent spiritual practice any student of Huachuma can engage in. Each ceremony introduces you to a multidimensional portal filled with the secrets of the universe. Everyone I know who has completed the pilgrimage has said that it is by far one of the most profound experience of their lives. As long as there is interest we will make these pilgrimages twice a year in January and July.
What People Are Saying
"...Our Huachumero, don Martín, serves unrelenting strong medicine. Psyche splintering medicine which allows you to see who you are in this dimension and in the planes of consciousness normally off-limits. The continual strength of Huachuma takes you to another level of perception. I see the magic at my fingertips and can peer into a future not bound by time..." ~Paul
"...Joining the Smiling Jaguar Pilgrimage across Peru was hands down one of the best decisions of my life… Working with ancient plant medicine on sacred land brought blessings, healing, communion, irreplaceable memories, and development that will continue and continue to blossom..." ~Zerin
"The magic of Smiling Jaguar Retreats is still present even after our incredible 2 week pilgrimage together in Northern Peru. My life will forever be changed for the better. I've become more clear on my truth and the impact I'm here to create in the World. Zach did an impeccable job at holding space during our time together. It was a deep privilege to be a part of this journey and to explore these sacred sights that hold so much wisdom and beauty. Thanks to Don Martin and all the precious humans that made this trip an experience I'll never forget. I bow to each and every one of you, as well as the teachings from the medicine that touched our hearts. Para El Bien De Todos, warriors hearts beat as one ” ~Alysha
Read more testimonials here!