I am in the purgatory between the old world and new. The known is passing away, and the unknown is beckoning. At times I am wracked with grief for the loss of the world that is passing away. It is all I have known and it is hard to imagine myself without it.
At times I am overcome with sobbing that feels like it may never end. Then in its exhaustion, it gives way to more beauty and love than I have ever known. As past and present converge I sit in the inevitability of the eternal now.
Over a decade ago my first awakening struck like a lightening bolt of bliss that liberated my soul. For weeks after I barely ate or slept and abided in non-dual awareness.
Part of me yearned for monastery walls and a simple life of meditation and prayer. I wanted to make this ocean of bliss my home and had lost interest in the life my prior self had built.
But I remained attached to who I had been and the life I had planned for myself. I had just passed the bar and was engaged to the most beautiful girl in the world. I had just started my life and was not ready to leave it behind.
Gradually my personality and ego reasserted itself, and came back to the forefront of my awareness. The non-dual realization was still there. But remained unintegrated.
Soon after that initial awakening I found Kriya Yoga and assumed the life of a householder yogi. Through daily practice I learned to access that non-dual awareness regularly, and began the slow process of integrating it with the other parts of myself.
As I did my practices the life I set in motion continued to slowly cook the desires and karmic patterns that had created it. Then I found the medicine and the process of alchemization and embodiment accelerated exponentially.
Seemingly immovable life circumstances began to rapidly shift. Three months after I returned from the jungle COVID put the world in a medically induced coma, and I’ve been falling upwards ever since.
The first life I created took a decade to come apart. The most recent one took a year. I write now from the hermitage, where I spend most of my days in meditation and prayer. In silence the doorways of perception have opened and my inner world has become vast. Through isolation I have entered into communion with the Universe.
There are bouts of loneliness still, and a temptation to fill the void of physical intimacy with something new. But integrity counsels patience. Instead I am choosing to sit with feelings of loneliness and disconnection and find their source.
Where in me have I relied upon the intimate other to give my life meaning and purpose? In what ways have I been using relationship to not take responsibility for my life? In what ways am I trying to give my power away?
Relationship entered into from lack impoverishes both lover and beloved. I am unwilling to hurt others by trying to use them to satisfy my unmet needs. I must become sufficient unto myself. Only from a place of fullness do I have any hope of nourishing others.
Yet I ask, did I renounce the world or has it renounced me? Honestly I don’t know. I mourn the loves I have lost and the lives we lived. Even as I accept the inevitability of our parting. My only consolation is that in our parting my love has finally become unbound.
The mists of purgatory begin to part and the new world is coming into view. The path is uncertain and I can only see a step or two ahead. But I know that as I continue to put one foot in front of the other the path will appear before me.
RAMAKA KRIYA
Ramaka Kriya is universalist in that it honors the truth in all religions. It is tantric in that it views every human experience as an opportunity to learn, grow, and gain greater intimacy with God. In Ramaka Kriya we seek to live a life of skillful means through the righteous use of energy, and to bring ourselves into ever greater integrity with truth and love.
SATSANGS
Ramaka Kriya Satsangs are a co-created immersive that gathers kindred spirits to deepen self realization through the use of effective spiritual practices, song, and community. Satsang is a sacred occasion where we gather together to be in the company of truth. During a Ramaka Kriya Satsang you can expect to deepen your heart's capacity for love and your mind's absorption in meditative awareness. At the Satsang you will learn the Ramaka Kriya meditation practices, which involve the use of pranayama, mudras, and mantras to facilitate purification and opening of the subtle body to deepen meditative awareness and self realization.
I have begun traveling and teaching Ramaka Kriya to raise funds for Ramaka Temple. If you would like to sponsor an event please reach out.
MEDICINE COUNSEL
I offer mediation services and consultations on entheogenic law and integration coaching through Medicine Counsel.
I was touched deeply reading this. It’s a mirror to much of what I am going through. Now I feel less alone and am smiling. 🤗