Pilgrim of the Infinite Way

The unfolding mysteries of Chavin

I have been intentionally audacious in my recent posts. I’ve tried to share the truth of my experiences to the best of my ability, without much consideration for how my words might be received by others.

It’s been an exercise in finding my voice. A counter balance to my habit of wanting to be acceptable and liked, even at the expense of truth and authenticity.

Diana and I moved to Asheville almost a year ago to live in community. That journey is teaching me a lot about myself. Particularly about those parts that don’t want to be in community, and tend to be reclusive and withdrawn.

I like coming together with others to do work in consciousness together. But if it doesn’t seem like much is being accomplished I quickly lose interest, and wander away. That is why I like Crossfit, Jiu Jitsu, and ceremony. It is an opportunity to come together to do intensive work together, and then when the work is done we part ways.

I’m less interested in other types of relating, and a lot of the past year has been about simply accepting that about myself.

Yet I have a desire for deeper and more intimate relationships with others. Because it is within the mirror of other people’s experiences and perspectives that we are able to know ourselves more fully, and be of service to the good of all.

I’m discovering the depth and beauty of my relationships is determined by the amount of authenticity I am willing and able to bring to bear in any given relationship. Which means not just being physically present, but otherwise absent, as I have often done. Living in community is requiring me to find my voice and embody my power. Which means speaking uncomfortable truths at times, and remaining in relationship, especially when it is uncomfortable and we disagree.

I am learning to dispel the illusions of others, and allow my own to be challenged and transformed through the dynamic tension of remaining in relationship, especially when it is hard.

It is within this crucible of transformation that I find myself invoking the archetype of Adama. My own Christed presence. Zachary is non-confrontational and aloof. He is avoidant and doesn’t like people. Zachary would prefer to be left alone with God to meditate and pray. Zachary has little interest in being in relationship with others, unless there is already a deep level of agreement and accord. Most of the time he would prefer to be left alone.

Adama on the other hand is fierce and confrontational, and committed to the embodiment of truth in love. Adama is willing to engage in productive conflict, because he is interested in people and the future of the human family. Adama is willing to hold himself in the discomfort of unreconciled differences and patiently work toward truth and reconciliation together.

As I write these words I am neither Zachary nor Adama. Rather, I am some intermediate being in the process of metamorphosis.

In shamanism and tantra we work with archetypes to alchemize ourselves into a more perfect and balanced statement of truth. The first archetype I encountered on the path was Kali. She was fierce and frightful but also infinitely loving and the most compassionate mother I have ever known.

Kali came to me during a time in my life when many things needed to die in order for me to step more fully into truth. Through the practice of merger with her I have come to know what it means to embody fierce love, and how to swing the executioner’s blade when destruction is grace and out grown forms need to die.

I have explored many other archetypes over the years, and continue to learn from them.

The peacock came to me several years ago to show me how to be seen. Soon after that the condor and eagle started showing me how to hold multiple perspectives at once without attachment. Then the felines came to teach me ferocity, grace, presence, and courage. Followed by the reptiles, who continue to reveal the ways of wisdom and power.

Now in this year of the dragon, the dragon has come forth to let me know it too is me, and that it is a synthesis of all that has come before. A merger of the three shamanic worlds - the dragon possesses avian wings, feline grace, and reptilian power. It is the ultimate apex predator and the guardian of temples, treasures, portals, and truth.

So it is that I am Adama, coming to know myself as a dragon. I am in the intermediate stage of metamorphosis, and don’t know when or if that process will ever be complete. Adama is the culmination of alchemical processes this body has only begun.

I am becoming Adama, but I am not yet him. I am in an intermediate stage of metamorphosis between my higher self, and the personality of this body of form. All the while recognizing that all identity is the pantomime of form, and that one identity isn’t better than any other.

Zachary is as holy, sacred, and beautiful as Adama. Change is simply the nature of things. No identity is permanent, not even that of Adama. But in this time of revelation and the changing of the ages, it is most useful and pleasing to God that Zachary and Adama become one, and that I learn to live and abide in a state of Christed presence in service to the good of all.

As I write these words I am reminded of the Huachumero at the Temple of Chavin - a being which is none other than a dragon in the shape of a man. The process I am describing is that of the metamorphosis depicted along the temple walls. Where the face of a man is shown in various stages of metamorphosis into that a feline, reptile, and bird.

I am grateful for the lineages of enlightenment and communities of practice that I am honored to be a part of, that are holding me through this process of metamorphosis. Without these living traditions and companions who are experiencing similar transformations I would be lost in the borderlands of sanity without a guiding light.

I am an infant fumbling my way through my spiritual awakening, only aware of the significance of the things I have undertaken long after they are underway. But there is also a part of me that is very old, and is remembering the present moment as if looking back at a long ago youth.

That is the beauty of middle age - when you have come far enough to know you know nothing - yet far enough to know that if you remain true to the path wisdom will be accrued.

I continue to integrate the teachings of the Huachuma pilgrimage I had the honor of making multiple times over the past few years. Those teachings continue to unlock within me like hidden treasures that reveal themselves at the right moment in time.

I renounce any notion that I am more special or unique than anyone else. As my lineages and practice communities have revealed time and again, metamorphosis and transformation are universal phenomena, and while no two are alike, there are many similarities. All of us are in a process of coming into greater integrity with ultimate reality in proportion to our capacity and desire to learn and grow.

I am a pilgrim of the Infinite Way, which all beings walk. We share our origins and destination in the great void of creation that is undifferentiated awareness itself. It is here, suspended in infinity, experiencing finitude, that we have the precious opportunity to learn and grow.