Fierce Compassion at the Edge of Destruction
Spiritually bypassing my humanity, and learning to honor my needs and desires.
Written: January 17, 2023
Well I am about halfway through my month long adventure in Peru, and I honestly can't think of a better way to start the year. I spent New Years Day flying from Kentucky to Lima, then made my way to the northern edge of the jungle for a two week cycle of work with Grandmother. After that I took a bus to Chiclayo, where I will meet a group of beautiful folks to begin our two week Huachuma Pilgrimage.
I wasn't sure what I would find when I arrived in Peru given the news in the states about political and civil unrest. But so far my journey has been peaceful. In my travels here I've always felt safe, and have always found the people of Peru to be incredibly generous and kind.
Like most of us, they live in a global system that doesn't serve the interests of most people. Most people don't feel seen, heard, or valued by their political and economic leaders. So while I pray for peace for the people of Peru, I also pray for justice for the land and forgotten peoples. Because peace without justice is merely a triumph of the oppressors over the oppressed.
It was in this context that I came to the edge of the jungle in search of healing and guidance to continue my work para el bien de todos. My mentor who has been serving medicine for a long time says we go through cycles with the medicine of feeling really shiny, strong, and in our power, followed by cycles of roughness or coarseness that arise for examination and healing. In this way we are always in a process of refining our nature, and increasing our capacity to be of service.
Some parts of myself and life have become very shiny and beautiful during my years on the spiritual path. While others continue to be a work in progress. Going into this cycle of work my prayer was for the fierce compassion needed to continue the alchemical process of transformation and service needed for the upcoming year.
This prayer was answered with several ceremonies during which I was thoroughly and expertly destroyed in the most beautiful way imaginable. Stripped down to the bone I was confronted with myself in a new way. I was shown all the ways in which those stuck and constricted parts of myself have contributed to creating things I do not prefer.
But perhaps the most significant lesson has been that I do in fact have preferences and needs, and when I do not honor them I abandon myself. You read that right, after over a decade of spiritual practice and medicine work I've come to the profound realization that I have needs and preferences. I wish that was a joke. But sometimes we can only laugh at our own folly.
For years I've experienced states of consciousness in meditation and medicine space of blissful absorption in the infinite for minutes, hours, and sometimes days. Yet when I return to this body, this life, and my relationships with other people judgments and preferences arise which eventually separate me from that beautiful unitive experience. For years I've been trying to notice when those preferences and judgments arise and balance them with acceptance and non-attachment.
But it hasn't been working. I've been spiritually bypassing. In small and big ways I have abandoned myself and my needs, failed to defend my boundaries, and simply have not been present in my own life.
I've been so busy trying to let go of my preferences that I never took much time to look at what they are.
It turns out I have a preference for beauty, order, purity, reverence, and devotion. I prefer the community of kindred spirits and intimate relationships in which I feel seen and met. I prefer opportunities to be of service that are in alignment with my gifts, mission, and values. I prefer a life that includes pleasure, play, music, laughter, and love.
These preferences are the roadmap to my unique expression of a beautiful life, and I haven't even been looking at it.
I know this isn't a very profound realization, and these preferences aren't particularly unique. In fact, they are probably universal. Yet the art of embodying these qualities and crafting a beautiful life is an act of true spiritual mastery.
Don't get me wrong, the person I was ten years ago could not have imagined how beautiful and free my life has become. But as some parts of my life have become more beautiful, the shabiness of others has become unavoidable.
The places where I've been falling short relate to honoring my truth and defending my boundaries. During an integration circle, my friend Angel did a beautiful job of articulating what boundaries are and when they are necessary. She said boundaries are only really necessary when we are unable to hold ourselves in truth in a relationship or situation. To hold ourselves in truth is to know our preferences and needs, and to take constructive action to honor them. While boundaries are the rules we put in place when we've been unable to hold ourselves in truth.
When we are unable to hold ourselves in truth with others, or they are unable to honor our boundaries - then we should not be in relationship with them. In this way we create an ecosystem for ourselves that nourishes us at the deepest levels and empowers our service to others.
In short, know yourself and to your own self be true.
Infinite Love,
Zachary