A Peak Experience

Integrating a Peak Experience

Over the past few days I have learned more about god, the medicine, and the nature of reality than at any other point in my life. Over the weekend I sat with Grandmother, then in Don Howard fashion spent Memorial Day having an intimate Mesada with Grandfather.

The potency of these two medicines together can’t be understated. Over the past twenty-four hours I have experienced a clarity that is both dazzling and horrifying.

I have become the quantum foam of consciousness from which reality emerges. I am the author of my destiny. I have become every actor on the stage, every member of the audience, the producer, the director, and the set itself.

I have become profoundly aware of the ways in which we co-create our reality. I have come to know when miracles might come to be, and when wonder-work would violate the free will of others and court martyrdom.

I have realized myself as one with the infinite creator, and learned the awesome and terrifying responsibility that entails.

This is a peak experience of enlightenment and awakening. I don’t know how long it will last or how much I will retain. All I know is that it’s a choice. I will retain as much of this truth as I can hold in service to the good of all. My realization is not complete. I’m still learning how to pray with a pure heart. I still have preferences, attachments, and fears.

When I remember my true nature I am Shiva, Krishna, and Brahma in an endless dance of transformation, preservation and creation. When enough of my small self returns to be overwhelmed by the responsibility of authoring reality I take refuge in Christ and Hanuman.

When the responsibilities of godhood become overwhelming, I relinquish them and simply pray to be God’s humble servant in service to the good of all.

I have been praying for the good of all for a long time. But I’m only starting to realize what it means.

To live in service to the good of all means living with the Samurai’s sword at your throat, with the prayer on your lips, “If it serves the good of all I relinquish even my life.”

This pledge is the only thing keeping me alive. In a world filled with beasts and gods intent on narrow self interest both my sword and shield are my willingness to die for the good of all and my dedication to being useful to others.

Should I falter in either my surrender or usefulness, the blade will be there to set me free - and I have come to see this as grace.

I have been in search of self realization all of my life. It has been my greatest prayer and the object of my spiritual striving. But in this moment I almost miss ignorance.

That is the part of me that fears and quakes at the awesome responsibility of creating reality. Yet there is only an illusion of choice. I can veil my godhood from my conscious mind and continue to pretend to be a separate self who’s reality is created for him. But that wouldn’t be in integrity with truth. It would be an abdication of the responsibility of knowledge.

I have achieved a deeper realization of myself as god. Now what? Life goes on. Now it is time to bring this realization back into my life and relationships, and share as much of it as others are willing to receive.

As awareness anchors into physical reality I will find all the parts of myself that are not yet free. All the places in my life that aren’t in integrity with reality will become more uncomfortable. Then the choice will arise. Do I write a new script for my life that is in integrity with my new state of consciousness, or will I abdicate the responsibility of knowledge and allow my prior creations and those of others to create a reality I do not prefer?

I choose to take the pen in hand and author a reality that serves the good of all. With full awareness of what that means. Recognizing that this prayer is a prayer for the reconciliation of all dualities, and the creation of a reality in which all beings may be freed from suffering.