I came to Spirit Quest in January 2020 seeking clarity on spiritual vocation. At the time I had been a Kriya Yogi for nearly a decade and was begrudgingly living the life of a householder and lawyer. I was on fire with a desire to dedicate my life to serving God but didn’t know what that might look like, or how to get from where I was to where I wanted to be.
When I arrived at Spirit Quest I was contemplating transitioning from law to seminary to become an Episcopal Priest. I had joined the Episcopal Church in 2018 to heal my relationship with Christianity, and fell in love with the liturgy and communion with Christ through the Eucharist. Though that box felt too small for the charisma that wanted to express through me, the thought of becoming a Priest filled me with joy.
During those first ceremonies with Grandmother I wore the rosary that had been gifted to me by a Catholic family as a present for my confirmation into the Episcopal Church. It had belonged to a Carmelite nun and was made from olive pits and a crucifix from Jerusalem.
I sat in the darkness of the maloca rubbing my thumb over the body of Christ as we waited for ceremony to begin, and asked Christ for protection in the mysterious territories of the shamanic realms I was about to enter. Then from the silence of my meditation I felt a terrible, powerful, and loving presence enter the room – as the mantra MA MA KALI MA began to vibrate throughout my being.
An edge of terror ripped through me in the presence of that fierce and terrible power. But that fear almost instantly transformed into tears of love and ecstatic devotion as remembrance filled my being.
The ensuing ceremonies were a tantric dance with Kali. I saw her in her fierceness and tenderness, her terror and glory. She was both my beloved and very soul. I bowed before her and surrendered all that I am to her, including my very life. She devoured me, and I was reborn as a babe in her arms.
She was alternatingly my mother, lover, and self. At times I was Ganesha, a babe in her arms. At others I was Shiva, and we made love. At other times still, I was her. Flat on my back eating the sins of the world and giving birth to more beautiful creations.
She showed me heaven and hell and everything in between and taught me how to see the beauty of each. She took me to the Eternal Kingdom, to the perfection at the end of time and space where all bow down in reverence to the Great Mother before collapsing back into undifferentiated oneness.
She showed me grotesque and macabre things and taught me how to love them and see them as beautiful. She showed me the most exquisite beauty imaginable and taught me how not to get attached. For all is impermanent. All things must rise and fall. Death and decay, life and birth. Each is but a part of a continuum of being that the surrendered soul may experience without preference.
During those times of devotion to the Great Mother, when I was a separate self on fire with love - I saw my beloved Kriya Yoga gurus about me. Paramhansa Yogananda to my left, and Yeshua to my right. Each of us lost in devotion to the Mother of us all.
Thus began this body’s initiation into the Tantric Mysteries of the Great Mother and Christ.
It was the renewal of a covenant made long ago. An invitation to walk a path known by my soul but forgotten by the body. After four years on that path, I can only say I am a committed student.
Part of that commitment is to sit with Grandmother every month. These ceremonies have become the tent posts around which my life is organized and flows. All that happens before, after, and during has become grist for the mill as ceremony and life become one, and the difference between medicine space and ordinary life becomes vanishingly small.
After ceremony last month I flew to Los Angeles for a deposition. While I was there I made a pilgrimage to the Motherhouse of Self Realization Fellowship, where Yogananda lived and taught for most of his life.
I could not but walk upon those hallowed grounds and weep with love and devotion. His presence remains, and to be in that presence is to be permeated with infinity. I spent an afternoon there in rapture, receiving darshan from his holy presence and the lineage of Kriya Yoga.
I hated to leave. But at the same time I knew that the cloistered life of the monks who steward that space was not for me. Too much safety stagnates the soul. Faith and will grow weak unless frequently challenged. The best training ground for my soul at this time is life outside of monastery walls.
There is a part of me that has a deep love of monasticism and renunciation. But that attraction often has less to do with God than my desire to avoid relationship with others. You see, I have a great love of aloneness with God but sometimes struggle to find God in other people.
In the temple of my home through my relationship with my beloved and the living of a householder’s life, I am cultivating love and devotion to the God in others and wearing away the parts of me that protect the separate self. Through intimacy with others and the alchemy of sacred union I am coming into deeper communion with infinity.
From Los Angeles I made my way to Ojai for the weekend for a solitary retreat. The vibration of that place is among the most beautiful I have ever encountered. Tranquility radiates from the mountaintops into the valley creating an oasis of peace.
While there I visited Meher Mount, a place of pilgrimage dedicated to Avatar Meher Baba (that Yogananda once visited) and spent time at Krishnamurti’s home and educational center. Both experiences were ecstatic and transformational in their own way. To meditate in a place where Masters walked is to connect with their presence and to receive their transmission.
Upon returning home I resumed my practices of Kriya Yoga, Crossfit, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and work. Which serves as the foundation of discipline upon which the tent posts of my medicine work is anchored.
This Friday found me in Charleston, South Carolina for another deposition, before returning to Asheville for a weekend of ceremony. On the drive there and back I listened to the audiobook Anna, Grandmother of Jesus, which is one of the most beautiful stories I’ve ever heard. It is a channeled text, from the perspective of Anna, the Grandmother of Yeshua, who was an Ascended Master in her own right and incarnation of the Great Mother.
Ceremony once more brought me face to face with Yeshua, Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, incarnation of love. I’m still integrating that experience and will write more about it later.
For now the ceremony of life goes on.